This Post Isn't About My Teens. It's About Me

I went back into therapy recently and a lot of what we’ve been discussing are my teenagers, which sounds worse than it is. Mostly I’m struggling with my kids pulling away from me. And naturally, we’ve talked about how this an essential part of leaving the nest. But for me, as a father who was raised in a troubled home with a drug addicted parent, it’s been… well… painful.

I don’t know how else to describe it. 

I suppose if I had an over all goal going into parenting, it was to give my children the firm foundation of a safe and loving home because it’s what I didn’t have. And while I believe I’ve done that, nothing prepared me for the anxiety of having my teens prioritize their friends over their parents, question our beliefs, refuse family activities, and act like we are the worst, when we are actually really nice parents.

From my understanding, teens have a trajectory. They move from a deep attachment to their parents, to independence by pulling away from their parents to find their tribe. Then, in latter adolescence, they come back to their previous attachment figures. And while that all sounds pretty clinical, it is, my friends, a wild ride.

Right now I’m in the independence phase, and I am whittled with fear that we will never make it to the “return to their parents” phase because, in my experience, when someone pulls away from you, its for good.